Alright, what is it with people that want to feed Jesus to small fish

Teflon Bumpers

Alright, what is it with all these people that want to feed Jesus to small fish? I see them everywhere on the back of people’s cars and I’m tired of it. Now, I can’t say that I’m the most church going individual, but what did he ever do to you? Sure, I don’t like Barry Bonds. He has no heart, doesn’t care about his team, and had his child support cut during the baseball strike because he was technically unemployed, but I’ve never had any desire to cut him up and feed him to small fish . . . that I’ve expressed on my bumper anyway. Yet these people are so filled with hatred towards religion that they want one man diced up and fed to Mackerel. It’s not his fault. He was just one guy. Blame the Romans and the umpteen popes that came after him. Nobody puts Pope Pius I-XVI on their cars. I’ve also never seen a Buddha Fish, a Mohamed Fish, or a Zeus Fish on a car, but for some reason Jesus, who’s life was pretty rough as it is, happens to be a prime target. Or maybe you just like to advertise.

Of course the next evolution of the “Jesus Fish” is the “Darwin Fish,” a fish with feet containing the word, “Darwin,” that just screams, “Ha ha, you believe in religion and are stupid!” Babababut wait, it get worse, because the reaction of some staunch Christians as a response to this affront to their religion is to deface said vehicle by flipping the “Darwin Fish” over belly up. For those who’d rather advertise on their own property, still available for purchase is the “Truth Fish” who’s appetite is so strong that he’s found on many a bumper eating the “Darwin Fish.” “Evololution, Bah!” it mocks, “perhaps you’re not familiar with my friend Jesus.”

I imagine the majority of people who display these Fish, which actually is not an advertisement, (The fish is an important religious simple for many Christians.) because everyone knows cows and pigs are much hipper advertising animals, probably have some deep convictions either for or against religion and are not doing it for ad revenue. Then I ran into some genius driving what I think was a late 80’s model Toyota Tercel. Now this brain juggler had both the “Jesus Fish” and the “Darwin Fish.” If that wasn’t enough to make you look at his car with that “What?” look, he was also sporting a “Fur is Murder” sticker along with “Pork the Other White Meat,” which until this point I didn’t even know had a bumper sticker. So, I’m wondering, will people pay me to put stupid-ass bumper stickers on my car too? I have the free space.

Now, I understand having certain convictions that you feel other people need to know about like, “Jesus Saves,” “Go Wildcats,” or “Honk If You’re Horny,” but you know what. No one cares! Occasionally a New Yorker might get “WOWed” or you might flip to “102.7 WQSR Goodtime Oldies,” while visiting Baltimore, but it’s quite rare that I look to bumpers for religious advice. And the fact that your bumper openly declares that you “Eat Vegan,” really just makes me want to insult you more. A team, a band, a college, a favorite station, or “Get off the Damn Cell Phone” are perfectly acceptable, but no one looks at the back of your car and says, “She must be a good parent because her ‘child is an honor student at blah blah middle school.” Of course that bumper sticker prompted the incredibly civil response of “My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student.” Isn’t that lovely? Still, I’m waiting for the patent on my bumper sticker, “Your kid may be an honor student, but that sticker will be false advertising when he drops out to join the circus.” Any takers?

If you want to advertise, fine, advertise, but if I want your opinion on something, I’ll call you. Just remember, you could’ve stopped reading 600 words ago, but you chose to read this. Still, here I am just mocking every idiot’s bumper banner, but the real point is that in the grand scheme of things all these stickers will do is get someone to nod in acknowledgement or attempt to run you off the road. If you want to make a difference, don’t slap a label on and decrease the value of your car, get out of your car and do something. You really want more people to eat Vegan, burn down the Sizzler. If you want people to stop hunting for sport, for every beaver pelt you run across, shoot someone from the NRA. If you want to show how proud you are of your child, make sure they stay in school and keep their grades up and do something to really make you proud. Just don’t expect school to teach them everything. And for the love of god if you buy them a car, get bumpers made of Teflon.